Genesis 17. Abraham's Dodgy Dangler.

Genesis 17.

1 And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

    Was the LORD instructing Abram to be perfect or telling him that he is perfect? One seems like a pretty impossible task and the other is patently false, unless perfection involved tricking Egyptian rulers and raping Egyptian slave-girls.

2 And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

    What's with all the multiplying? First his seed will "number as the dust of the earth", then "...the stars in the sky" and now "exceedingly". Why does the LORD keep having to reassure Abram about the number of his descendants? Does Abram feel woefully inadequate? Is his manhood called into question because he only has one wild-man-son-of-a-rape-victim as progeny?

3 And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,

    God talked with him? Why didn't he pick him up? "Oh, you've fallen on your face, what a perfect opportunity to talk to you about something". is God autistic?

4 As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

    Again with the manhood polishing! I think he gets it LORD and if not he has some deep seated personal issues.

5 Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

    and just so Abram doesn't forget that his progeny will ultimately be one big inbred family, God gives him a new name... Abraham! OK so now we know what God was talking about in Genesis 12. He won't make Abram's name famous, He'll make this new name that God has just made up famous instead.

6 And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

    We really do get quite how fruitful Abraham is going to be. God is such a sycophant.

7 And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.

    God is promising to be a God to Abraham and his seed, is he currently not a God or could he be something else? Or perhaps there are others who could be a God to Abraham?

8 And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.

    Didn't God already give the land of Canaan to Abraham's seed or does this constitute an extension of the land God promised to Abraham's seed.

9 And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

    Good to know.

10 This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

    Wait what? Circum (around) cised (cut), Cut around? Cut around what? I hope for Abraham and his seed's sake this isn't going where I think it is.

11 And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

    Yes, That's where I thought it was going, will God mutilate his penis too? Usually when people do something as a token of their agreement they both take the same action, you might shake hands or exchange rings but to make a personal blood sacrifice to the detriment of your little-man seems a bit ridiculous.

12 And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

    It's not just Abraham's Penis that God wants a piece of, No! Indeed, God wants a portion of every eight day old wang to be born of Abraham's descendants and a good measure of every schlong bought or pressed into slavery by Abraham or his seed.

13 He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.

    So that's basically what he just said about slaves. Why would Abraham go for this? Is it because he is so desperate to have progeny, and to have that progeny inherit all of Canaan? It seems like a pretty materialistic bargain to make and a pretty poor one. Would you trade your foreskin, all of the foreskins of your descendants and all of the foreskins of your slaves and servants, forever, for the promise that the land of Canaan will always be in your family? Bearing in mind that you'll likely have to do all of the conquering yourself, also bearing in mind that this bargain is being made with someone who promised you a bowel-baby and instead delivered a wild-man and if you know your family history told the mother of all lies to Adam.

14 And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

    So if a boy child is not circumcised he'll be shunned? this is looking less and less appealing.

15 And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

    Sarai gets a new name too. Does she need to have anything cut?

16 And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

    Hmm, OK, so I'm starting to wonder, this whole circumcision thing... Was Sarah(nee Sarai)'s lack of children actually as a result of something being wrong with her... Or, and this is quite radical, Could there, just possibly be a relationship between Abraham's circumcision and Sarah's ability to conceive? Did Abraham perhaps have a problem with his foreskin that prevented him from becoming aroused? Is Ishmael actually his son? Have generation after generation of Jews have suffered ritual mutilation all because Abraham had a penile deformity that needed correcting? I don't know the answers but it's worth considering.

17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

    He fell on his face again? What's wrong with him? Anyway, why is he surprised that he and Sarah can conceive at this age It was commonplace not two generations ago.

18 And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

    How nice, Abraham asks god to look after Ishmael. I suppose it's the least he can do.

19 And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

    OK, this isn't news.

20 And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

    Fair enough, as long as none of those nations are in the way of Isaac's progeny because if they are, they're probably getting wiped out.

21 But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

    Yup, yup, we understand. Isaac will be born in 2048AE, a nice power of 2 number.

22 And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.

    Up to where? Heaven I suppose, I wonder if it's still hanging somewhere up in the sky or if it's moved yet.

23 And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

    Hmm, that's a few hundred circumcisions in one day. One has to wonder how 'tidily' the last few were executed. The last thing you need is a botched circumcision.

24 And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

    OK.

25 And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

    OK.

26 In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.

    Yes, you just said that.

27 And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.

    You said that too.


So quite a lot to take in there.

What have we learned?

well...

• When a ninety-nine year old man falls on his face, God's best move is to try to hold a conversation with him.

• Both Abram and Sarai get new names, introducing Abraham and Sarah.

• God won't stop banging on about multiplying Abraham's seed.

• Abraham is far too trusting of this God fellow, who incidentally has stopped being referred to as the LORD.

• Abusing Abraham's trust, God demands, in return for a promise that Abraham will never see come into fruition, billions of foreskins for all time, which is, to say the least, a bit weird.

Genesis 16. Slave-rape and Angels

Genesis 16.

1 Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.

    I wonder if Hagar had been a gift from Pharaoh when Sarai married him under false pretences.

2 And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

    Sarai offers up her maid to Abram for the purpose of bearing him children. Does Hagar have any choice in this?

3 And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

    So, after ten years of living in Canaan, I'm guessing this is ten years after being kicked out of Egypt, Sarai gifts Hagar to Abram for a wife. Again, does Hagar have a choice in this?

4 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

    It seems not, after Abram 'went in unto her' she got very upset with the woman who had handed her over. Reading this, I'm not certain that Hagar wanted to have sex with Abram, in modern times one might call this rape.

5 And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.

    Sarai blames herself, but instead of apologising to Hagar, she becomes jealous of that fact that she has been able to conceive.

6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

    Being the good man that he is, Abram placates his jealous wife by handing over the slave he had raped and made pregnant to her so that she can deal 'harshly with her' and thence kick her out. Now it may be far from my place to comment on morality but Abram is supposed to be the most blessed by The LORD, one would hope his actions reflected that. So, is it moral to accept a gift from your wife of an unwilling slave-girl, rape her and make her pregnant and then when your wife becomes jealous, let her beat her and kick her out? I don't think these are very nice people.

7 And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.

    Ooh, an angel. The LORD hasn't come down but an angel has come to speak to Hagar. One point; *the* angel of the lord? is there only one?

8 And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.

    it asks her where she's been and where she's going. Hagar says she's fleeing from her mistress, it doesn't say but she might have added that she had been raped and beaten...

9 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.

    ...and rather than protecting her the angel tells her to go back to her abusive mistress and submit to her hand, effectively telling her to go back and accept her fate as a raped and beaten slave.

10 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.

    But as a reward, her seed will multiply.

11 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.

    He kindly names her unborn child for her...

12 And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

    ...and condemns him to being a hated, embattled wild-man

13 And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

    Now, either Hagar isn't able to tell the difference between The LORD and and his Angel or they are actually the same thing. Thinking about it though, Hagar might just be concussed from her beating.

14 Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

    Why does this line give me the impression I'm on a guided tour of biblical sites, "and that's why this well is called Beerlahairoi and still stands here between Kadesh and Bered to this very day." Was this written significantly later than the story is set? Was it written as an attempt to explain landmarks that no-one actually knows anything about?

15 And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

    OK, not from Abram's bowels then?

16 And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

    Ishmael is born in 2034AE.

So where does this all leave us?

Well, it's definitely worth noting that Ishmael wasn't issued forth from Abram's bowels so there is at least that, however he was the product of Abram raping his wife's slave girl and is cursed to be some sort of wild-man.

What does this all say about The LORD's views on Slavery?

It's pretty clear that the LORD is pro-slavery, or at least his angel is. After Hagar has been raped and beaten and has fled from her mistress, the angel of The LORD comes and tells her to go back and to submit to whatever she gets. So not only is The LORD in favour of slavery but The LORD is fully supportive of beating your slave, even when pregnant.

Genesis 15. Bowel-babies and animal sacrifice.

Genesis 15.

1 After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.

    I was wondering when God was going to make an appearances again. and it seems he's turned up to tell Abram that he won his last battle because God was his shield? Basically Abram went to war and the LORD turns up afterwards to claim credit.

2 And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

    Abram, not content with God as a reward for his victory (I wouldn't be either) asks the LORD what he will give him and points out that he has no children and that the steward of his houshold is a Syrian servant called Eliezer. Hint, Hint.

3 And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.

    The LORD doesn't get the hint so Abram reiterates himself "Look, When I die, I'm going to have to give all of this that I own to this servant from Damascus!!"

4 And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.
    Getting the hint, but perhaps not understanding human biology very well The Lord promises Abram a child of his very own, that will be excreted from his bowels. Now come on, he may have made Eve from a rib but is it just me or is a poo-baby ridiculous?

5 And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.

    Now The lord has already promised Abram that his seed will number as the dust of the earth and now he's telling him his seed will number as the stars in the sky, given how the lord intends to deliver children to Abram, I'd be concerned about the fate of his rectum.

6 And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

    Why? Why did he believe the lord? His wife is barren and The LORD has just told him he is going to poop out a baby of his very own. What possible reason could he have for believing him?

7 And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.

    Fair enough, he did tell him to leave Ur.

8 And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?
    Abram exhibits some scepticism and asks how he'll know that The LORD is telling the truth.

9 And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.
    Where is this going?

10 And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.

    Ok... so he's cut the animals up, except the birds...

11 And when the fowls came down upon the carcasses, Abram drove them away.
    ...Who then pecked at the carcasses of the offering so he drove them away. Does this constitute an incomplete offering?       

12 And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.
    From some sort of bowel sickness?

13 And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;
    Ok

14 And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.

    Ok. So Abram's seed will be slaves for four hundred years and then The LORD will rescue them. Why have them be slaves at all?

15 And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.
    Abram will die in a good old age. How old is a good old age? nine hundred? five hundred? it has varied quite a bit so far.

16 But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.

    Ok.

17 And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.

    The offered animals burned? Why does The LORD like burning animals so much?

18 In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:

    This is the third time The LORD has promised this land to Abrams seed.

19 The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,

    ...

20 And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaim,

    ...

21 And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.

    Is The LORD offering dominion over these peoples to Abram's seed?

What have we learned?

Only two things really.

• The LORD promises to give the land from the Nile to Euphrates to Abram's seed (We already knew this), but only after they have been enslaved for 400 years in a foreign land.

•  The LORD Promises Abram a bowel-baby, which is a little odd to say the least.

...Oh and it's worth noting that The LORD seems to like taking credit for other peoples conquests.

Genesis 14. WAR! waged by slaves?

Genesis 14.

1 And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;

    Go on...

2 That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.

    So the nations of Shinar, Ellasar, Elam and the nations ruled by Tidal are at war with Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim and Bela(Zoar)

3 All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.

    Right you are then.

4 Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

    All of them? OK... all of these nations were subserviant to Chedorlaomer King of Elam. but rebelled.

5 And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaim in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,

    ...

6 And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.

    In the fourteenth year of his reign, Chedorlaomer and his allies smite a great deal of tribes. This sounds like the kind of thing the LORD would approve of, let's see.

7 And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.

    OK, More smiting first, I suppose a rebellion *is* justification for genocide after all.

8 And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;

    So Sodom, Gommorah, Admah, Zeboiim and Bela (Zoar) go into battle...

9 With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.

    ...with the nations controlled by Chedorloamer. I suppose to oppose his mass genocide of the Rephaim, the Karnaim, the Zuzims and the Emins.

10 And the vale of Siddim was full of slime pits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.

    The Good guys lost the battle? Were the slime pits involved in any way? Why are they mentioned?

11 And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.

    Chedorloamer and his crew loot Sodom and Gomorrah...

12 And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.

    ...which includes looting not only Lot's goods but Lot himself.

13 And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.

    An escapee from the war who was allied to Abram went and told him of Lot's predicament.

14 And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.

    Abram raises an army of indentured servants (A slave army) 318 men strong and goes after the perpetrators.
   
15 And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.

    On the left as thou goest where? Abram Smites them and chases them past Damascus. That is one old city!   

16 And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.

    ...and Abram's slave army manages to retrieve the goods and also Lot who has somehow been transformed from Abram's nephew into his brother. Is someone not keeping track?

17 And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.

    After Abram slaughters Chedorloamer, The king of Sodom and the kings that rode out with him to do battle with Chedorloamer come out to meet Abram. Seems reasonable.

18 And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.

    Melchizedek is both king of Salem and the priest of 'the most high God', is this The LORD? or is this one of the other gods? Even if it is the LORD, doesn't the qualification 'most high' imply belief in other gods? More polytheism?

19 And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:

    Abram is getting blessed again. Awww... isn't he a blessed little Abram?

20 And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.

    Melchizedek blesses the most high God too.

21 And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.

    Seems wise.

22 And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,

    Abram makes sure everyone knows that he considers 'the most high God' to be the god he calls The LORD.

23 That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:

    Abram doesn't take the Sodomite King's offering, not out of humility but out of pride, He doesn't want anyone to be able to say that they made him rich, besides we all know he got rich by misrepresenting his wife to the Pharaoh.

24 Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.

    He'll take expenses though.

So what have we learned?

Well...

• The LORD doesn't seem to favour the genocide committed by Chedorloamer, He does not however do anything to stop it. The LORD does seem to favour Abram's smiting though, probably because he was the victor.

• Abram manages to defeat several nations with only 318 slave soldiers.

• Abram saves his, once nephew but now brother, Lot from Chedorloamer and in doing so saves Sodom and Gomorrah but his pride rather than humility stops him from taking any of the spoils as payment.

• Abram recognises the LORD as the most high God but does not seem concerned that there may be others.

Next. Genesis 15.

Genesis 13. Lot pitches a tent.

Genesis 13

1 And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.

    Having been kicked out of Egypt by Pharaoh, Abram takes his wife, his ill-gotten dowry and Lot south.

2 And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
   
    No surprise there, he duped Pharaoh into buying his 'sister', only to reveal that she was in fact his wife and then got her back and kept the dowry.

3 And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;

    So he travels north (from the south)

4 Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.

    ...back to the altar he built in the mountains (the second of two altars built). Abram calls out to the LORD, is he expecting an answer? I suspect he is, after all, God made a personal appearance there before.

5 And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.

    Lot is also rich. I have no idea why, he must have done some business in Egypt.

6 And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.

    "This town ain't big enough for the both of us!" - Lot and Abram both being rich men can't coexist in this land.

7 And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.

    Both Abram and Lot are Shemites (descended from Shem) so I imagine the canaanites and Perizzites are their respective herdsmen.

8 And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.

    OK

9 Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.

    Abram suggests a parting of ways.

*Spoiler Alert* Look away now if you don't want to know the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah before we get to that part of the story 
10 And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.

    Lot looked down into the plains of Jordan and saw that they were ideal. I suppose the reference to the yet-to-happen destruction is only there so that the reader doesn't say "well I've looked upon Jordan and all I saw was scrub, sand and sorrow.". The Narrator can then say "Ahh... but this was before the LORD destroyed sodom and Gommorrah".

11 Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.

    Lot left to set up his own town... with blackjack... and hookers!

12 Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.`

    At this point I have to begin wondering about the age of the euphemism 'pitching a tent'. For millennia men have covered 'themselves' with clothing of some sort or other and it can't have been beyond their notice the similarity between the shape that 'giving rise' gives rise to and the shape of their pole-supported dwellings. I only mention this because Lot is said to be living in the cities and one doesn't usually pitch a tent when living in the city, one might however 'pitch a tent' (Wink) for a goodly number of reasons.

13 But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.

    Do we yet know precisely what being a sinner or being wicked actually constitutes in the eyes of the LORD? So far he's punished honesty, curiosity, inadvertently witnessing nudity and unknowingly marrying someone's wife. He's rewarded murder, he's massacred the entire planet, he's made people slaves. I really don't know what "wicked and sinners" means in this verse.

14 And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:

    God commands Abram to look around.

15 For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.

    Didn't he already give this land to Abram's seed before he went into Egypt and ripped off the Pharaoh?

16 And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.

    God will make Abram's seed as numerous as motes of dust. I don't think the global population has even approached the number of motes of dust in my keyboard yet. One might say that if this is a prophesy then there can be no apocalypse until Abram's seed are as numerous as motes of dust on the planet earth.

17 Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.

    OK, Abram is encouraged to walk through the land given to him.

18 Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

    Abram moves to Hebron and builds yet another Altar.

Conclusions:

• Abram and Lot have amassed servants to the extent that their population is too great to coexist in a huge expanse of land.

• God decrees that Abram's seed will be as numerous as dust of the earth, now I don't have official figures but that has to be a number at least in the hundreds of quintillions (a nineteen-digit integer). That is going to take a very long time to achieve.

• The euphemism 'pitching a tent' may be thousands of years old (but then again, it might not)

Next Genesis 14.

Genesis 12. Who is Abram anyway?

Genesis 12

1 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

    The LORD tells Abram to leave his country and his family and to go to a land that he shows him. I am still wondering if God is making personal human shaped appearances like he did in Eden. The descriptions don't say otherwise.

2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:

    God promises to makes Abram's name great. I asked my girlfriend and she'd never heard of him and to be fair I don't remember him from Sunday School or the Roman Catholic primary school I attended. I'm not sure I've heard of his nation either, let's see.

3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

    So God will bless Abram, Abram himself will be a blessing, God will bless those who bless Abram and curse those who curse him and in him all families of the earth shall be blessed. That sounds a little messianic. One thing though, if someone curses him are they then cursed for doing that but also blessed because they are part of a family of the earth? Another question... Who is this guy? He doesn't seem to have done anything to curry God's favour. Maybe he killed someone, that usually gets God's praise.

4 So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.

    So the land that Abram is leaving is Haran, he left in 2023AE.

5 And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

    So Abram, His wife, His nephew Lot and... Does "the souls that they had gotten" mean slaves? or servants? all went to Canaan under the instruction of the LORD. Isn't Haran in Canaan? Canaan, named after Abram's great-great-grandfather's nephew/slave?

6 And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.

    He travelled through a number of places to get there.

7 And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.

    So the LORD puts in a tangible appearance and hands over the land that Abram is in to Abram's seed, of course Sarai is barren and so Abram has no children. (I'm not sure if Canaan is a town or a country at this point, it may of course be both) Abram builds an altar, presumably for animal sacrifice?

8 And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.

    So having been given some land for his non-existent progeny Abram moves to a mountain and pitches a tent and builds another altar.

9 And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.

    Having built two altars, He picks up his tent and keeps going south. Is the LORD still showing Abram the way? It seems very much like the Lord indicated that Abram should stop when he appeared to him. Why is Abram still going? Are Sarai and Lot and his the house slaves still with him?   

10 And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.

    There is famine in Abram's new land so he abandons it for a short stay in Egypt.

11 And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:

    Just before he and Sarai get to Egypt he pulls her aside and says, "Look here, I know that you are very Beautiful..."

12 Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
   

    "...and because you are so beautiful these Egyptian men will kill me to have you..."

13 Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.

    "...So say you are my sister so that they won't kill me, alright?" This doesn't strike me as very courageous. What's his business in Egypt anyway? If he knows the Egyptians will kill him, why go at all?

14 And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.

    He was right, the Egyptians saw Sarai and thought she was pretty hot.

15 The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.

    I think this means that Pharaoh (which one?) married or otherwise took Sarai into his household.

16 And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
   
    For which he paid Abram handsomely, I do wonder if Pharaoh would have paid so much if he'd known that Sarai was barren. I'm thinking that before accepting all of these goods for his wife, this might be a good time for Abram to man up and say 'Sorry Pharaoh, you can't marry/consort with my wife' and accept the consequences, he could at the very least as the guardian of his 'sister' refused the sale. Perhaps he thought it a good deal, Sarai was barren after all.

17 And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.

    Right. the LORD punished Pharaoh because he consorted with a married woman, a married woman he was basically tricked into accepting into his house and who Abram didn't didn't see as valuable enough to step in and save. Abram's name is great indeed.

18 And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?

    Good question!

19 Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.

    Wise move. Although... does Pharaoh believe in the LORD (adonai?) at this point? I'm not aware of any Ancient Egyptians sharing Hebrew God beliefs. Perhaps Pharaoh attributed the plagues to a different Deity (or just perhaps the LORD is actually one of the Egyptian pantheon?)

20 And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

    Good. I don't think Abram had any business in Egypt anyway.

What have we learned?

• The LORD makes a grand gesture by giving an entire country to Abrams seed, of which Abram has exactly none on account that his wife is barren. This seems like a particularly empty gesture.

• Despite the LORD only telling Abram to go as far as the Land which he with show him, Abram takes it upon himself to builds a couple of alters and move on to Egypt.

• Abram, who's name shall be great, is not only a coward but a profiteering coward who took a dowry for his 'sister' when he could have stopped the whole thing by being honourable and telling Pharaoh that Sarai was actually his wife.

• Pharaoh (whichever one) Acknowledges the plagues and seems to understand that they have come from the LORD. is this LORD fellow part of the Egyptian pantheon?

• God's treatment of Pharaoh is remarkably unjust. Pharaoh seems very much to be the victim in this story. He saw a girl he liked and, as was the custom of the time, paid a more than fair dowry to marry her. He's ripped off on two counts firstly he isn't made aware that the woman he's paid for is unable to bear children, a feature that is quite important in a bride of the time. Secondly he is duped into marrying a woman who is already married for which God sends plagues upon his house. Could an omnipotent God have not seen that Pharaoh was not at fault?

NB. The misogyny in the above observation is inherent to the text of the Bible and in no way reflects my personal attitudes toward women or marriage.

Next up. Genesis 13.